September 20, 2018

 She pretty much stated that dad had fathered his own grand daughter. It was at that point that it was confirmed that I didn't know him as well as I had thought. 

He and I started dating when I was in high school. So I thought I knew him really well but I guess not. I guess you never really know what anyone is capable of when enough pressure is put on you. Everyone has different breaking points and I guess he reached his. 

So how do I move on from there? All of my friends and family knew him. It was in our local news paper. It made the local news. My kids were teased at school and on the bus. There was so much pain at that time that it was hard to even find a reason to go on.

But I did go on because now I have 7 kids that need me to. It was no longer about me. I put myself in my foster children's shoes. They went to school that day hugged and kissed their dad goodbye and did not know that would be the last time they would go back to the place they called home. As for my kids they would have to share their rooms, their home and their mom for the rest of their lives. All because one person made a bad decision all of our lives, all 8 of our lives were forever changed. 

For about two and a half years I forgot about me. I went into automatic mode and just did what needed to be done because there was no one else that would. I forgot to take care of me and I almost burned out. I had a hard time loving my foster children. I had no problem taking care of them but because of my personality type I don't show emotions really well. I have a hard time feeling things. It doesn't limit me performing and doing what I have to but I come across as cold if you don't know me very well. 

When I realized I was having that problem I went to see a therapist because I didn't want any of my children to feel that I don't love them. Thankfully I am proud to report therapy has been working and I can say that I can easily give and receive love. But as usual there are always other challenges to face. One of the biggest ones was the blending of the family...